Wednesday, 27 February 2013


Even though I started writing here - feeling my time at Barefoot was done - wanting to write more about a different, increasingly important side of my life, I still sometimes hesitate to really just spill it all. I suppose the fact that some days I question my own sanity means it's easy to see others doing the same thing. Ha. I'm not quite clear on why that should bother me though. Or even that it would. One woman's insanity is another's vision. Potayto, potahto.

This year's beginning has been remarkable for me. Heightened intuition; a whole new world of dreams; new messengers and helpers; insights to a truth that I simply wasn't capable of grasping until goes on. And with it all comes more peace than I've known in a long time. Not to say life is easy, but I am able to live it with very little fear and anxiety. 

Despite the Siberian temperatures, I had a lovely walk with the dogs yesterday spent making Vine videos of Jackson and thinking about the fact that I have no self. Because that's the kinda gal I am. Technologies magical and non-magical...I love 'em. Where was I? self. Not in true separation from all other life. The perception of self serves a purpose and frankly it can be a whole lot of fun but just as we possess the same qualities as the whole, we are the whole.

As a part of the universe, we are made of energetic forces that take physical form when witnessed through our brains.  And the non-physical things - the compassion, the love, the joy, the empathy we feel - they are part of the universe too. The creative energy, Life, that drives everything; the intention to perpetuate, improve, adorn, build and nurture. One day that will be studied in our science lessons as indivisible from, and the force that drives what we perceive as the physical world. I do not believe in a personality, an anthropomorphic god or indeed any other kind. I believe in that creative, aware, nurturing force and that we are as much a part and the whole of it as a drop of water is both part of a river, and The River. As a thread is part of a tapestry and The Tapestry.

I'm not very eloquent on this stuff but I feel it. I feel it all the time. I feel it especially strongly when I am able to relax and release my sense of self. Walking in the countryside, the only human form in sight, surrounded by tapestry threads we call plants, trees, birds and water, it is relatively simple to let the imagined edges fade away and just be everything; feel everything. And the more I do it, the easier it becomes to just 'drop into it'. 

I don't know how city dwellers manage. I understand the buzz of a city and how attractive that can be. I understand that the tiniest sign of nature can provide a powerful link to Life in a split second. I understand the feeling of being in community with thousands, millions of other human beings all living next to each other like a hive. I get that. I get what a strong feeling that can be but it overwhelms my hypersensitive nature. I could no more release my sense of self in those surroundings than I could stand in front of an oncoming train. Perhaps city dwellers have superstrength and don't need the ideal circumstances that this rookie does.

What I do know is that the water molecules decide where they flow as a river. The threads determine what they depict as a tapestry. And I think we can shape our own experiences the same way once we know how to reach and tap into the creative energy that drives everything. One way to do this is to play with it; call it what you like; see it how you like so that you can mould it. You are the creator and the creation. You want to see the ability to overcome obstacles as an elephant called Ganesh? Go for it! You think it, it happens. You feel the need for some help finding your path, weave in wolf. I have always felt that energy and now I have wolf and crow tattooed into me. I carry scorpion and elk along with red jasper, ruby, turquoise and aventurine. 

I use all these things to help me be open, strong and clear in the face of all the muddiness that life in 2013 brings up. I believe the mixture of those threads and mine make something strong and beautiful. Yes I do.

Sunday, 24 February 2013

News of the four-footed

It feels good to exhale. After three weeks of putting Advocate drops on Zoey, once a week (they are supposed to be used monthly and normally I wouldn't have them in the house, let alone on my dogs), bathing her feet and washing her skin with hibiscus scrub, I took her back to the vets' for a check-up.

This time we saw Jenny, the vet we saw last time and who treated Zoey so well. She was pleasantly surprised and had been expecting Zoey to be in a far worse state. I detected some disapproval that I had ended treatment before she'd okayed it last time but hey...we ran out of money and I owed them hundreds of pounds to which I dared not add more. I wasn't happy about it either. She took skin scrapes and let me know 24 hours later that yes, there are demodex mites on my girl but most of them are dead. This means the Advocate is working so we will continue with that and take scrapes again in six weeks. My job is to keep her skin clean and uninfected.

If it gets worse then the options are milbemycin again (that cost about £7 a day and last time she was on it for months) or Aludex shampoo which is pretty much sheep dip that you put on, leave on and hope you don't all die of poisoning. Yes, we have the best of bad options right now. I'm hoping that Zoey, 12 months on, has a stronger base from which to fight this. She had been through so much in the months before she came to us and was first diagnosed.

This is how this flare-up has left Z's thighs. The lumps and scabs have cleared and there's thankfully no infection, just blackened skin. Her underside and patches on her sides are the same. Strange as it sounds, this is good.

Meanwhile Jackson is doing fine. The mass on his chin has spread a little and I know it gets to a stage where it irritates him because he rubs it and scratches at it. He did this a couple of nights ago and I found him covered in blood and was absolutely horrified. Tarantino-esque. I cleaned him up and took a look. It seemed that he'd just scratched at it and cut himself. He was fine a while later. If I think he's in discomfort I give him a painkiller - once a fortnight or so - and yesterday was one of those days. We all three headed out into the field for some fresh and very cold air and Jackson ran about like a puppy. I think the pills probably ease his elderly bones too but they're not for permanent use. Instead I supplement his food with oils and MSM. I think next week I'll take him for a vet visit so they can check his face. He is in excellent spirits and completely gorgeous. Fact.

I had been working on some things I could make and sell as a fundraiser for Zoey if she'd needed expensive treatment (her insurance doesn't cover the demodex and even if it did, it would've run out a long time ago) and I'm so very relieved that she's well enough to avoid that.

Sweet Sally is not doing so well and faces challenges that go back years. She and her dogmama, Terrah, live with other four-footed brothers and sisters and many of these rescued darlings need help. Sally needs it most immediately.

Sally and Terrah are heroines of mine for how they're facing this and I am so glad I can help a little. If you can spare any pennies at all, please take a look at Terrah's etsy store, the wonderful Sally t-shirts or even just drop something in the donate box. Jackson and Zoey are donating their treat money.

P.S. Zoey now has her own Instagram account (shut up): @zozofu.

Monday, 18 February 2013

Seasonally affected

Friday, it was light enough for me to walk the dogs when I got home from work. First time this year. Yesterday, it was sunny enough to take two long walks around Chalfield and catch up with everything, including a new sitting circle of logs in the pine wood (a local school for teenagers with behavioural issues and learning difficulties comes here once a month for forest school activities); a new beech and hazel woodland planted over six acres; bullace flowers in the top paddock; deer prints in the gardens and our awesome next-door-but-one neighbours - expecting a baby girl in July, their first - sitting in the  lane, on the bridge over the stream, drinking tea in the morning sun. This morning,when my alarm went off, it was light outside and birds were singing.

Phone snap, no filter.

The forecast is for the weather to lapse back later this week but for now I'm pretty damn high on spring. Driving into work this morning the sun was so bright I should have pulled down the visor but I didn't. I squinted and enjoyed the bright light, zapping happy around my brain.

I've just read a book that looks at life after death. The author says his research shows him that reincarnation is very real. That we come back again and again to learn lessons here on Earth and even when we graduate 'Earth School' there are further levels to go through. I like his version (despite not agreeing with his adherence to a linear timeline for these lives) and this morning I realised that days like today would have me flunking lessons on purpose just to keep coming back here. Looking at the Wiltshire countryside, bathed in morning sunshine, full of new life and promise and joy at making it through the winter I was totally overwhelmed. I didn't see trees and fields and birds and clouds, I just saw expressions of life so stunningly beautiful that I actually started to cry. Even by my standards that's a little extreme but it was the real thing, so I went with it. Mondays should always be this way.

I very nearly broke into a skip down the office corridor earlier. I think perhaps spring mania may be quite full on this time around. Could get interesting if I really do try to manage it better this year.

In some people with bipolar disorder (no, I'm not bi-polar), spring and summer can bring on symptoms of mania or a less intense form of mania (hypomania). This is known as reverse seasonal affective disorder. Signs and symptoms of reverse seasonal affective disorder include:
  • Persistently elevated mood
  • Hyperactivity
  • Agitation
  • Unbridled enthusiasm out of proportion to the situation
  • Rapid thoughts and speech
Y'know what, never mind all that stuff...I'm just happy. And there's nothing at all wrong with that. 

Friday, 15 February 2013

Slow burn

I keep finding my way to the fireside, literally and figuratively tending the flames. It's one of our sacred tasks as women and there, here, in the moments of stillness and the quiet, I find things I thought were lost or unreachable. This is not how I usually spend February. By now I'm usually crawling along the floor feeling desperate.


The sun came out today and I'm reminded that as the seasons change, usually late March here, I'm prone to spinning off on some random enthusiasm or another and honestly, after a grim winter, I never really mind that much. But this year my intuition is telling me not to listen to the siren call of spring mania. I'm in a relatively good place; a better place than I have been in a while and I feel that this is an important learning path that I'm on. If I stay on it, I will find my homeland.

I have plenty going on already, including new things, but it's the still, quiet connection with my true nature that is a revelation. That  is the art of wildness: rediscovering who you were made to be and really being it - in your bones, your breath and blood - even if it's just for a while each day. Find time for your soul to dance with your body. I have more to write about this. I'll remember more about this.